My Grief Cycle for A Not Normal Time

IMG_2485.jpeg

None of us - NONE OF US - is living normally right now, are we? No surprise here, but stress levels in this household are incredibly high as I/we have recently come to the conclusions that our old normal is no more.

While I am not alone in high levels of anxiety, and while I do think we need to take a zen moment to collect ourselves and practice thoughtful decision-making, I understand that is not easy. I am guilty myself of being over anxious and fretful, and full of emotions these days.

For myself, I am trying to understand where my mind is here and to make some sense of what I am feeling. As I have in the past when faced with emotional challenging times, I think of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler. It gives me some comfort to recognize that states of grief also apply to my own feelings of loss right now.

The denial stage was of course easy to recognize. In January not many outside of the field of infectious disease could wrap their mind around what was happening, first in China and then like wildfire throughout the world. How could this be happening? Our scientists will surely solve this. The federal government continued to insist this was all a giant hoax until, with thousands infected just here in the US, COVID-19 itself can no longer be denied..

I am angry. I am angry at lack of anything resembling leadership from the federal government, and at a governor who seems to be stuck in presenting the optics of being “in charge” without actually making an unpopular decision. Gov. Baker’s response to closing public schools happened AFTER all districts had already decided to close for some time period. How is that leadership? And yes, that makes me angry.

In place of the federal officials claiming COVID-19 is a political hoax, what if our dear leader had offered some measure of leadership by accepting help and assistance from other countries or private labs to develop a test for potential carriers? And what if those tests were widely available instead of being rationed to the most ill? What if instead of a delayed response to controlling the virus’ spread, extraordinary measure had been put in place to increase its containment? Would things be different today? I believe they would and I am angry.

I feel drawn to bargaining, but bargaining simply causes one to absorb guilt for something we have no control over. COVID-19 is not my fault, yet there is a boatload of guilt placed on us. If only I had been more diligent in isolating myself from family members. If only I had not gone for a walk. If only I had been more diligent in hand washing. Because “if only” is irrational, we turn to bargaining. Spare my family member, take me.

Which brings me to depression. Yes, I feel depressed and this is where my feelings live most of the time now. I feel an intense sadness for things that are lost: jobs, human contact., security. We sat at dinner tonight talking about how our retirement looks nothing like we had envisioned. We are insecure about what lies ahead and that is frightening financially and health-wise.

The final stage of the Kubler-Ross cycle of course is acceptance. We hope to be able to accept this new normal knowing that, for now, we cannot. For myself, I hope acceptance will bring peace of mind and, although the ways we had once practiced may be severely altered or even missing, new ones will start to take shape. In acceptance, I know my mind will be more open to change and in so doing new norms begin to take place.

I do not know what lies ahead for me, for us, for my family and friends. I do feel deeply that things have and will continue to change. That change will be difficult for this creature of habit, and I will mourn what has been, but I will also eventually learn to accept the new normal. And that is something that comforts me.

Changing Gears

NHPgears_edited-1.jpg

We are learning to live in a new reality. As our normal daily schedules continue to be impacted by new ways to mitigate this current health threat, several things come to my mind.

We have always washed hands after touching anything from outside. My Dad worked in an agricultural business; I learned early about salmonella and wash my hands after handling raw eggshells.

Handwashing is a way of life for us - always has been. Now we are hypervigilant; we have hand sanitizer in our cars, we keep a container of Chlorox wipes on our kitchen counter, we wipe down door handles, light switches, locks, faucets, remotes, phones… anything and everything. Like most everyone I know, our hands are scrubbed raw.

We have taken the advice of healthcare professionals by keeping our distance, we have a plan for what happens if one of us is ill. We worry not only about picking up a viral infection oursleves, but about unwittingly spreading it to friends or family, especially those who are vulnerable to the ravages of this pandemic. We simply don’t have reliable facts. Our government is not very forthcoming or truthful in this regard, nor does the federal government seem very knowledgeable. I have an unprecedented distrust of the information coming from it.

There is an old John Wesley quote that applies now. It gives me some measure of comfort, because it is all I have to offer:

Do all the good you can,
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the people you can,
As long as ever you can.

As we move through the next days and weeks, and perhaps months, this is the truth that guides me. Stay healthy my friends.