After

None of us - NONE OF US - is living normally right now, are we? No surprise here, but stress levels in this household are incredibly high as I/we have recently come to the conclusions that our old normal is no more.

While I am not alone in high levels of anxiety, and while I do think we need to take a zen moment to collect ourselves and practice thoughtful decision-making, I understand that is not easy. I am guilty myself of being over anxious and fretful, and full of emotions these days.

For myself, I am trying to understand where my mind is here and to make some sense of what I am feeling. As I have in the past when faced with emotional challenging times, I think of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler. It gives me some comfort to recognize that states of grief also apply to my own feelings of loss right now.

The denial stage was of course easy to recognize. In January not many outside of the field of infectious disease could wrap their mind around what was happening, first in China and then like wildfire throughout the world. How could this be happening? Our scientists will surely solve this. The federal government continued to insist this was all a giant hoax until, with thousands infected just here in the US, COVID-19 itself can no longer be denied..

I am angry. I am angry at lack of anything resembling leadership from the federal government, and at a governor who seems to be stuck in presenting the optics of being “in charge” without actually making an unpopular decision. Gov. Baker’s response to closing public schools happened AFTER all districts had already decided to close for some time period. How is that leadership? And yes, that makes me angry.

In place of the federal officials claiming COVID-19 is a political hoax, what if our dear leader had offered some measure of leadership by accepting help and assistance from other countries or private labs to develop a test for potential carriers? And what if those tests were widely available instead of being rationed to the most ill? What if instead of a delayed response to controlling the virus’ spread, extraordinary measure had been put in place to increase its containment? Would things be different today? I believe they would and I am angry.

I feel drawn to bargaining, but bargaining simply causes one to absorb guilt for something we have no control over. COVID-19 is not my fault, yet there is a boatload of guilt placed on us. If only I had been more diligent in isolating myself from family members. If only I had not gone for a walk. If only I had been more diligent in hand washing. Because “if only” is irrational, we turn to bargaining. Spare my family member, take me.

Which brings me to depression. Yes, I feel depressed and this is where my feelings live most of the time now. I feel an intense sadness for things that are lost: jobs, human contact., security. We sat at dinner tonight talking about how our retirement looks nothing like we had envisioned. We are insecure about what lies ahead and that is frightening financially and health-wise.

The final stage of the Kubler-Ross cycle of course is acceptance. We hope to be able to accept this new normal knowing that, for now, we cannot. For myself, I hope acceptance will bring peace of mind and, although the ways we had once practiced may be severely altered or even missing, new ones will start to take shape. In acceptance, I know my mind will be more open to change and in so doing new norms begin to take place.

I do not know what lies ahead for me, for us, for my family and friends. I do feel deeply that things have and will continue to change. That change will be difficult for this creature of habit, and I will mourn what has been, but I will also eventually learn to accept the new normal. And that is something that comforts me.